Running Diary of the Republican Debate

Many of you want to be informed about the upcoming election and the candidates but don’t feel like sitting through two painful hours of debating. Well today is your lucky day! I have compiled a running diary of the February 22 Republican Presidential Debate for your convenience and entertainment, enjoy.

One of these men could be President!

8:00- We are looking live at the Mesa Arts Center in Mesa, Arizona. The crowd in attendance appears surprisingly diverse. There appear to be an equal number of Tea Partiers, One-Percenters, Bible Thumpers, Nascar Fans, and Klansman in the audience.

I am sitting here with a pen, a notebook, and a remote control to check the Bruins score. I’m not sure how my emotions will fare so I am accompanied by a flask of vodka, a bottle of Tums, and some prescription Xanax just to be safe. Let the show begin.

8:03- The candidates are introduced. Amazingly they are all wearing the same suit. I think this would be a lot more exciting if this was done WWE style. Each candidate could have his own entrance music, complete with pyrotechnics. They could strut on stage, grab the mike, and taunt their opponents. Either that or NBA style, the announcer could draw out there names screaming. “At 6 foot 2 from Bloomfield Hills, Michigan…MIIIIIITTTTT RRROMMMMMMMNNNNNEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!” Then he could chest bump someone on stage.

8:07- Candidates make their opening remarks. Romney mentions his time in the business world and his job with the Salt Lake City Olympics. I have a feeling this will not be the last time he mentions this.

8:08- Our first question from the audience, provided by some guy named Gilbert who resides in the town of “Gilbert”. He is wearing a shirt that resembles the American Flag. Perfect. I would guess he also is wearing a belt with a snake on it that says “Don’t Tread On Me”

8:11- Rick Santorum mentions welfare reform and repealing No Child Left Behind. I am tempted to turn off the TV and start campaigning for Santorum immediately. But the blog would suffer, so I carry on.

8:17- After sitting quietly for fourteen minutes, Ron Paul speaks. I am not paying attention to him because I cannot get past the fact that he looks like a Muppet.

8:25- Newt Gingrich mentions “Class Warfare” enabling me to mark if off on my Buzzword Bingo card.

8:30- I am convinced that Romney is wearing a t-shirt that says, “I am the 1%”

8:38- Romney explains that he was for bank bailouts but that the auto industry should have gone through a managed bankruptcy, because wealthy bankers are his friends and the auto workers are low-life greedy union peasants, or something like that.

"I am the 1%!"

8:41- Romney is getting a little too excited to mention “managed bankruptcy”. He’s thinking, “Wow, I get to fire people and make a lot of money”

8:46- The candidates all mount their moral high horses as the conversation turns to birth control.

8:49- Mitt mentions how children are better off being raised by two parent households with a father and a mother as opposed to a single parent household. I wonder if the two parent household was filled with drugs, abuse and violence would that still be better than a single parent who does his or her best and sacrifices for their child? Mitt? Mitt?

9:04- I am officially dizzy from all the spinning going on.

9:07- Newt wants to build not one but two 30 foot fences at the Mexican border.  But what about the “other” border? To keep unwanted Canadians out of our country I suggest placing televisions showing “Hockey Night in Canada” at every possible entry point in the northern United States. That should keep them out.

9:30- Romney states that if Obama is re-elected, the U.S. will be nuked by Iran, or something to that effect.

9:40- Candidates asked about Education Reform and NCLB. Here we go. The audience member who asks the question was identified as a teacher, where all the other audience members who asked questions were not identified by profession. Read into that what you will.

9:41- This portion of the debate brought to you by Charter Schools and the Privatization of Education.

9:43- I give Romney one minute before he attacks teachers unions.

9:45- Okay. I was wrong. Two minutes.

9:48- Ron Paul, “no authority for the Federal Government to be involved in Education”. I always liked Muppets.

9:53- Did you know that Romney worked in Business and the Salt Lake City Olympic Games? Really?

9:57- King concludes. So in very brief summary. Rick Santorum made some sense to me, but there was an early bias in his early comments. Mitt Romney came off an arrogant one-percenter. Ron Paul is a very intelligent Muppet, and I’m not even sure Newt Gingrich was even present at the debate. There you go America. Happy voting.