Why The New England Patriots Are Better Than Your Team

If you only watch ESPN, you’d never know there were any other teams in the NFL that matter besides the Denver Broncos and New York Tebows. So I put a list together to remind the fans of the “other” NFL teams why the Pats are still the NFL’s model franchise.

• Our owner bought the team at a price of $175 million in 1994. They are now worth $1.5 billion, played in six Super Bowls and won three.  Dan Snyder bought the Redskins for $800 million, and ran them into the ground. Oh and Kraft also settled the lockout last season. You are welcome.

• Our quarterback is nicknamed “Tom Terrific”. Pittsburgh’s quarterback is nicknamed “Rape-lisberger”.

• The Jets lost the AFC title game in 2010 and fans speak of that season as the highlight of their Jet fan lives. The Patriots lost the AFC title game in 2006 and fans deny that season ever existed.

• Your team’s stadium plays a certain special song when your team scores a touchdown. The Patriots touchdown song was specifically written for them by Jon Bon Jovi.

• The Pats can go five-wide, shotgun from inside their own 1-yard line because, well they can.

• Even Rams WR Ricky Proehl knew that before Super Bowl 36 that “Tonight, a dynasty is born!”

Edelman sacks Vince Young

• If the Pats run short of defensive backs, they just take a wide receiver and put him there like it’s no big thing.

• When your team’s 300 pound offensive lineman fields a kick-off, he flops to the ground in the fetal position cradling the ball. When our team’s 300 pound offensive lineman fields a kick-off he nearly takes it to the house.

• Eagles fans outnumbered Patriots fans at Super Bowl 39 because it got too expensive for Pats fans to attend the Super Bowl three out of four years

They love their team in Jacksonville

• The Patriots draw 24,000 to a training camp practice. The Jacksonville Jaguars draw 24,000 to a regular season game.

• Detroit Lions fans will have fond memories of the 10-6 season in 2011. Patriot fans have bitter memories of their 11-5 season in 2008.

• Tom Brady in his first Super Bowl drove his team from its own 18 yard line in the final minute to set up a game winning field goal. Donovan McNabb vomited on the 40 yard line in his first Super Bowl.

This is fine if you are Arizona

• The Pats don’t hang Division Championship banners at Gillette Stadium because there would be no room for them.

• The list would be longer but my package of powdered Kool-Aid just arrived from Foxboro, gotta run. Enjoy the NFL season everyone!